This is my first opportunity to introduce myself, so let’s make a good impression. And by “let’s” I mean “let us” and by let “us” I mean I’m dining for more than two. To start, my name on here is my actual name, by some divine providence, I was handed a name that flowed into itself. Whether a higher power knew that I would be lazy, or I became lazy because of it, I now can write my full name using letters from other names: Joshua Adam Morris becomes JoshuAdaMorris shorthand, I know that seems like the most incredible thing ever, but I didn’t make it up, from there things only get weirder. Take for example the fact I was born exactly, to the day, 666 years after January 6, 1321, coincidence? Maybe, or more likely just a cloaked way to reveal my age. Or how about the fact that, by some strange forces of nature, I have the ability, using my virgin mouth, to strip lozenges of their zinc and then, by utilizing that same virgin mouth, I can then coat pieces of aluminum with that zinc. This has made me classified, technically, as a light industrial manufacturer and has only increased my sex appeal.
I enjoy poop. It’s uses are boundless. By boundless I mean you can pick it up and throw it at strangers. By strangers I mean bicyclists, and by bicyclists I mean pricks wearing obscenely tight clothing and stupid protruding masses of hard plastic on their heads which no doubt could not lose anything more by a severe head injury. I mean, how dumb do you have to be, to think you’re fucking so goddamn cool riding around, blocking energy efficient cars from going to pick up a gatorade to help keep a fine young boy saturated while getting high in a park. Apparently these people think the world owes them something in return for them allowing us to watch their crammed spandex panties in close proximity as we annoyedly inch by their bi-wheeled 19th century curios. We get it, we fucking get it, bikes may have made people go wild in the 1800s, but now they’re just stupid and pointless, get a job and start using the gasoline we fought so hard for and is deservedly ours motherfuckers, I’m only talking to Americans here, to the rest of you, fucking don’t you dare touch our gas, stay on your bikes, please, we cannot afford the luxury of exerting physical energy to do something that can be done in an air-conditioned motor powered capsule. God bless your heathen souls rest of the world, just one more favor, try not to breathe so hard while riding your bikes, take your time, you don’t have anything important to do but buy our products anyway, so just leisurely stroll on your bikes, avoiding using any of my gasoline or precious oxygen in the process, I’m gonna need that shit.