Freckled Twat


Carl was a madman unlike any the world had ever seen. Although raised in Northern Kentucky during the three years war he wasn’t quite sure why he had never seen a Martian before.  Well, that day was rapidly approaching.  As he sped away in his little corvette he could feel the earth rumbling beneath him or perhaps it was his uneaten pork chops.  There never was a place quite like the aquarium he thought to himself.  All those sharks swimming through their feces, I wonder if they can smell it.  That’s a laugh, a porcupine in a cherry tree, Abraham Lincoln used to cut those things down for his father.  I remember the last time I went to Chucky Cheeses, I won a pirate hat and all the children laughed at me for not having any underwear on.  There really is nothing like a good rectum, it keeps all your shit in for God’s sake.  That’s more than anyone needs to know and perhaps more than they ever will know.  You can’t shake the underside of a razor without the leaves coming loose in spring.  There is no business like show business like no business like snow shoveling in the rain.  There really is nothing like using the word there, it keeps coming up and going away and coming back down bobbing like apples in a sea warning ships of coastal shelves underneath.  The ocean seems to be on my mind, perhaps its because of the platypus I had for breakfast, as it was laying its eggs I snuck up from behind it and stole its manhood.  Now that doesn’t make sense but why should it?  There’s no reason or logic to a dream deferred nor a thing can be said about bowstrings on a television set.  Rascal flats is the name of a band that I have never heard of before and yet there it is right there in living color coming to you live from a town near you.  This June get ready for the thrill of a lifetime as gigantic worms meet Hollyollyocalypse in Meltdown 3000 the revenge of the walkers.  Walkers are instruments implemented by old women in an attempt to regain their former selves.  Little do they realize that as young girls they never walked using poles on wheels to lean on.  Here’s a riddle, what’s red and white and red all over?  I don’t know either.  That takes me back to the days of yore, when a man could say yore and not be called a bore, but what’s that for?  It doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t make a clue, it’s not a rectangle and it’s neither a shoe, it’s up and down and over and out, it’s clear it’s dark it’s round and stout.  What’s yours is mine and what’s not is theirs I wonder when I’ll grow some chest hairs.  If rhyme is what you’re looking for then come on over and bring a whore.  We’ll tear her up we’ll rip her down, we’ll dress her up and make her a clown.  Then to little kids we’ll show our clown that used to be a ho.  They’ll laugh they’ll cry, they’ll sing a cheer, we’ll dement their minds with wine and beer.  All day long their parents will gripe, you killed our kids that used to be ripe.  They used to be so bright and gay, now they just want to sit and say “my life is shit, I have no hope, let’s take a hit of this chronic dope.”  No kid, you see should have that fate, they should be out on interstellar dates.  To the moon and back again, they live a life that’s good and plain.  That didn’t rhyme so that’s the end of that and now on to other things in my mind as I delve.  I’ll try again.  I remember the galactic rebellion as though it were yesterday, although it was 5000 years into the future.  The Balajians had enslaved us and we didn’t want it anymore, their food was horrible and neon green.  I took out my laser knife and shoved it through a freckled twat, that’s an alien that resembles a fetus.  Well, he just squirmed about on the floor for awhile until I stomped on his throat, his throat is located on his leg, because he’s a freckled twat.  Well, you should have seen the look on old Mr. Joe’s face “why’d you done do dat naw” he cried.  “well” I said, “where I’m from, a freckled twat better have some slime in it or it’s of no use to any of us.” “that was truly disgusting” she said from a corner.  “Who in the hell are you.”  “Why, I’m lil Mis Tracy from Zortok-9, don’t you remember me Commando?”  “what the fuck are you talking about?  I’m not a commando and I don’t even exist, this is just some weird dream.”  Well, that was about the end of that until a neon space cadet landed about 3 megaclicks from my location.  He took me by the wrist and arrested me from my Darjeeling limited, that’s a location on the nape of the neck that hangs down about 3 inches.  I don’t like the way this is going so let’s start again.  I remember it was like yesterday, it was before the sun had come up today, and it was about 24 hours ago.  The earth had rotated a full turn since then and gone a little ways further around the sun.  That’s the funny thing about the earth, it’s just spinning like crazy.  Maybe we’re all just spinning like crazy.  The earth spins about itself and then around the sun as it spins about itself and the solar system spins around other solar systems and spins within the Milky Way around an enormous blackhole at the center and the milky way spins around a bunch of other galaxies which inevitably spin around a bunch of other universes or whatever and blah blah blah so forth and so on we’re alone and miserable and infinitesimally small, so why don’t you go cry about it.

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