Smokers Unanonymous


I cannot stand people who smoke cigarettes.  It is so disgusting and not only does it effect them but everyone around them.  I can’t think of a more inconsiderate selfish thing to do than smoking.  I have never smoked a cigarette in my life but will probably die of lung cancer anyway thanks to all the fucking selfish pricks out there.  Seriously, people that smoke, do so more than they do anything else.  There is not a single thing I can think of that I do every 10 minutes or so like a fuckin crazy tobacco addicted person will do.  It really does become what defines you as a human being simply because you do it more than you do anything else.  You don’t eat, shit, piss or drink nearly as much as you smoke.  So, this got me to thinking, the only thing that actually makes a cigarette smoker stop smoking (albeit for short periods of time) is the fact that cigarettes are so dreadfully small.  As they say, necessity is the mother of invention and here is mine:  a self-contained tobacco breathing apparatus, or SCTBA for short.  This device, when worn by the smoker, would allow them to smoke nonstop in any environment possible.  Smokers will finally be able to survive in our smoke-free atmosphere while wearing this device.  They will never have to take those cigarette breaks which reward them for being pricks and they will be able to smoke everywhere they once were allowed to but now no longer can.  It would be a very simple design, the wearer will have to have two metal cylinders they wear on their back, one containing butane, the other containing different sorts of scrubbers and catalysts to purify the cigarette smoke into clean air and also be filled with various floral scents for a fresh smell.  On their head will be a glass fish bowl that will guarantee none of the smoke leaves and invades our (nonsmokers) space.  There will be some sort of hopper above, which, every few hours will need to be refilled with the tobacco of their choice.  At the end of the hopper will be a heating element powered by butane, the tobacco will simply keep burning by gravity pulling it down into the heating element.  A vacuum will suck the smoke filled fish bowl clear into the scrubbers, and then the clean flowery-scented air will be released from a valve at the top of the scrubber.  It will be a comic victory for all of us that have been suffering from these inconsiderate assholes to see them roaming around our clean air world in their cancer inducing smoke filled TobaccoNaut outfits.  Please enjoy the diagram accompanying that will better illustrate my concept.  Note:  This is just the prototype models, subsequent models will become more compact, sleeker, and eventually probably really cool to wear making a whole new set of problems for anti-smoking proponents.

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