What the Fuck


I have become absolutely meaningless.  I literally sit in my house, in my room, in this seat for the large majority of my life.  (If you’re curious, a large majority is much different than a small majority, which isn’t a minority, but a smaller part of a bigger part. )   I’d say 80% of my life is spent sitting in this chair.  The other day, through some advanced mathematics, I deduced that if a person lived to be 100 years old, they would only have 7 productive years of life.  The calculation works as such:  You are not very productive, or rather, capable or allowed, to be productive until let’s say 20, you also (if living to 100) will not be productive past the age of 80.  Using my advanced skills of mathematics, that means you already have lost 40 years of productivity leaving us with 60 years of productivity, not so bad so far, but wait there is more.  Now let us recall that the average person sleeps at least 8 hours a day, that is 1/3 of each day, 33% of your life, 33% of 100 years is roughly 33 years.  So, lop off another 33 years from that 60 that we had, now you are left with 27 years of productivity, still not horrible but, for 100 years of life it is a little disconcerting.  But, lo and behold, most people want to have children.  Now, if you are lucky enough to have just one child, then odds are you will be pretty stuck having to focus on them for 20 years or so, there goes another 20 off of only the 27 you had.  Leaving you with 7 years of life.  Therefore, if you are lucky enough to live to 100, you will have lived a total of 7 years, and that is without factoring in shitting, bathing, eating, driving, walking, going to school, and working at a job that isn’t what you want to do in life.  If I were to write a book it would be called “Seven Years of Life” and be about the above subject.  Although, after writing those last few factors, it would seem like you’d be lucky to get a few hours in of living.

I digress though.  The fact is, since high school ended, (five years ago now) I have done basically nothing.  Yes, I have achieved an Associates Degree in Liberal Arts (impressive, I know; everyday I am turning down job hunters) I have been kicked out of a college, which is quite an honor and an achievement in my book, and I have been institutionalized, which is good or bad, I’m not sure, either way it was amusing.  Even though I have accomplished all that, I feel utterly useless.  I haven’t had a real job in about 2 years now.  I do work at a community center, but they hardly ever give me hours.  I also have been acting, I have been in 5 plays since last April and now I am in an acting class.  That isn’t enough, the majority of my time, like I have said, is spent sitting here in front of this computer or watching TV.  That is pathetic.  I still have dreams of writing comedy and following a Ben Stiller, Woody Allen, or other comedian type route.  That is, doing standup, having sketch comedy shows, writing/being in movies.  Those dreams are really far fetched, but what is the point of life other than to strive to achieve the utmost possible?  Why should my goal in life be to merely support myself?  Shouldn’t I always go for the top?  Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land amongst the stars.  Yeah, but you better be wearing a space suit or else your body will implode cell by cell before you even get a chance to die of asphyxiation.  And also, landing on the moon is nowhere near comparable to landing in the stars.  Landing on the moon is pleasant, it’s nice and solid, if you land on a star you’d be vaporized before you even get a chance to land on it really, that is a horrible metaphor.  I either land on the moon or die a long slow death heading toward a star.  Hopefully I would die on the long journey to the star, which isn’t that much better of a fate.  Dying of starvation or running out of oxygen (assuming I was in a spacesuit), before I reach some star’s gravity and slowly burn up as I get closer and closer to it.  No thanks, it really should be “shoot for the moon, and you better hope to God you don’t miss.”

So, now I think I have to force myself to go to college.  The reason being, I have really bad motivation and drive.  I just can’t get myself to do anything, I need a platform for my “talents.”  In other words, I need to be given assignments and I also need a tangible audience to be writing/performing for.  The only schools I have found that have the classes I want are NYU and Brooklyn College.  I hate the city with a passion, it absolutely terrifies me.  If it’s not going to be nuked by terrorists, then it will inevitably be destroyed in an earthquake/tsunami.  I really don’t want to be there in 2012.  Sure, the Mayans played a game that involved throwing a decapitated head through a hole in a wall, but they also knew alot about stars.  I’m not saying the world is going to end in 2012, but they certainly seem to know something is going to happen.  In reality, their concept of the world probably wasn’t very large, and it could quite possibly be that THEIR world would end.  In other words the Yucatan Peninsula will just be wiped off the face of the earth and everyone else will be fine.  Either way, I don’t want to take any chances and be in the focal point of where all movie catastrophes take place for 2012.  So, if I am going to go to school in the city, it’s gotta be soon and not for too long.  I really do not want to, but I don’t have any other options.  Either I just continue sitting here doing nothing for the 7 years of my life (if I live to 100, which I doubt) or I force myself to do something I do not want to do at all, but would make me productive and go down the path I deep down inside want to take.  It’s funny that my choices are going to a school (NYU) for $80,000 a year or a school (Brooklyn College) for under $5,000 a year…hmmm….which should I choose?  Brooklyn is still the city, but it’s a lot more easy going and slower moving than Manhattan, which is not saying much at all, it is still thousands of times more frantic and crazy than Warwick ever is.  I don’t know if I could really handle either place, but if I had to choose, it’d be Brooklyn over Manhattan any day.  Maybe I could check out some Revolutionary War battle sites while I am there, up in the hills of Brooklyn, I’ll just knock some buildings over and tear up hundreds of square miles of pavement to take a look, I hope no one will mind.  It’s all in the name of archaeology and boredom, the most powerful force the world has ever known.  Boredom has made more change and effect in the world than love, hate, war, religion, science and curiosity put together.  Alright, so it’s decided, I will go to Brooklyn College and frolic in the sun with my brother and sister Jews.  We will eat bagels and lox and complain about everything we see.  We will challenge each other with our allergies and maladies, oooh I bet I have the worst and most, I bet I do!  Then again, I haven’t been out in the wild with Jews for quite some time now, I could be way out of my league and be the healthiest and have it the best of all of them. ” Oh, you think you have it bad? Oy gevault, what I would do to have your problems!”  That sounds fun, I hope they accept me into their pack.  Maybe my scent has become too gentile and they will reject me.  We will see.  Anyway, I am pretty set on the fact that it is either Brooklyn College or nothing, now it is only a matter of me actually doing it.  And that is the greatest challenge of all.

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