Good Morning Good Morning Good Morning

That title is actually a song, I’m singing it.  Good morning, good MORning, good morning.  This is what happens when you don’t sleep regularly, you dream in your wake.  Wakes are what happen when you don’t beat your heart too regularly.  I say it so much and nothing happens, but I seriously need to start doing something.  I’ve had this notion for so long of being a comedian/comedy writer, but there is great doubt within me if I actually could do it.  I feel like you need to be so smart to be able to write comedy, you need to know every cultural reference there is to know and every scientific and mathematical nuance ever contrived.  Culturally speaking you must know every movie, every television show, every novel, every song, every musician, every politician and every political move they ever made.  Where does material come from?  I can’t keep just writing things that don’t make sense.  At some point it has to have substance and be something that people can relate to and understand.  I just fucking hate the idea of moving to New York City or any city for that matter.  I feel like that’s the only place where you can do this sort of thing and it just would be like death to me.  I would die inside living in a city.  I need to be with the flowers and the trees and the hawks and bears and Shebas and big screen TVs and PS3s and DVRs.  The only time I really feel pressured to do SOMETHING is when I think about the future.  Think about being alive ten years from now and looking back and realizing I did nothing.  How fucking ashamed and disappointed in myself I will be that I could have had 10 years of working toward something but didn’t.  I live too much in the moment is the problem.  I’m just doing what feels good right now, instead of thinking about the future and how I will feel then.  I guess I feel like there really won’t be a future so why work toward something, (while forsaking reality, the here and now) if it won’t even ever pay off at all.  Maybe that is what doctors would call depression.  I just have absolutely no faith in there being a future or a better life for me or ever being happy.  I guess that’s what it comes down to: faith.  I just have to blindly believe that there WILL be a future and that things I do, even though they may be unpleasant for the REALITY of here and now, will eventually one day be building up toward a greater REALITY of here and now, in the FUTURE.  Intangible things are very difficult for me to believe in, which makes alot of sense.  It seems foolish to do unpleasant things in order to achieve something years from now, when years from now may not even exist; or, what I am working for may turn out to be something I won’t like, or in the end, cannot achieve; or, I made the wrong choice, and all those years of unpleasantness were for something I never had any right or legitimate reason to be doing.  It’d be so wonderful and pleasant if someone were to tell you at like 5 years old, “this is what you’re best at, this is what you will excel and enjoy doing, so get workin at it kid.”  But, I suppose that’s why people say: “it’s not the destination, but the journey.”  Life is about the here and now, the only thing is, you gotta choose paths that make your here and now different.  Right now my here and now is very monotonous.  Gotta choose a new direction for my here and nows.  Stop thinking about where it will lead to, because, like I’ve said, you never know if there will be a future or you’ll get to where you think your direction is leading.  It’s just about the new exciting things I could be doing.  Well, hopefully exciting, most likely new.  See, this was nice, writing this was nice, it felt good, that’s why I feel like I should be a writer.  It’s just when I write things that I have actual concepts for, I am WAY too hard on myself to the point where I just either give up almost immediately or just never try to do it in the first place.  Gotta take chances, that’s what it all comes down to, just gotta try things, that’s the lesson to be learned here.  Thanks writing, for helping me come to a conclusion.


One thought on “Good Morning Good Morning Good Morning

  1. lissous says:

    beautiful stuff. full and fuller circles. i hope you pursue it as soon as you can. blog is a good start.

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