I really don’t see the difference between the pharmaceutical world and the illegal, “illicit” drug world. The only physical difference I can see is that, the pharmaceutical world is more “chemically-minded” and rigid. It has numbers and weights and measure, the pills are uniform and readily identifiable. The “illicit” drug world, of course, has weights and measures but there is no quality control and consistency amongst the products. Let’s face it, they all have chemical compounds that mimic some sort of organic compound your brain makes. We’re trying to elicit emotions and feelings that our brain makes naturally, through a foreign substance. Why should there be more shame taking an anti-depressant than in smoking weed? I know the reason you are smoking weed is because you’re depressed. It’s the same goddamn thing, just a different route to the same end. I am currently on an anti-depressant+mood stabilizer by the name of “Symbyax,” let me tell you, I hate it. Weed was much better for me. This pill makes me absolutely exhausted. I mean, I cannot keep my head up, cannot keep my eyes open. If able to, I will sleep until 2pm. That is stupid dumb, yo. Sure, I do not reach the absolute low lows of depression that I was reaching, and sure it has stabilized my mood. But it has made my mood stable in a fucking nadir. At least when my mood was unstable I would have brief peaks of production and happiness. Now I am just floundering in unmotivated sloth. Now, the doctor knew that this stupid pill would make me tired, so what did he do? He didn’t give me another pill that wouldn’t make me tired. No, he gave me a pill in addition to this pill, a stimulant, to work against this Symbyax. The pill he gave me is no other than the one known as “Adderall.” Little to my knowledge did I find out that this pill is actually also known by its more common constituent “amphetamine,” that’s right, the same thing that was given to Nazi stormtroopers so that they would never have to sleep and fight the blitzkriegs. Anyway, the first time I took this pill, which I was reticent to take mind you, it was pure ecstasy. I got the same sort of body feelings as taking painkillers (which I have only taken when prescribed and properly, thank you very much), just a total feeling of euphoria, waves of body pleasure, elation and quick thoughts. I was able to write in a frantic pace, my mind went through problems like nothing at all. In short, it was wonderful and I feared this drug because I thought I would become terribly addicted to its wonderful feelings it gave me. The next time I took it, a few days later, I had no results at all. That was a disappointment, I thought “here is something that will finally allow me to write as I once did,” but, alas, it was just a fleeting glimpse of my past glory, its’ effects were null. So, I decided to take two pills at the same time. Again, nothing. Finally, tonight, I decided to take three pills at once! And guess what? Holy shit, the feelings from my first use returned. Absolute euphoria, heightened cognizance, wonderful streams of thought, confidence, desire, drive! I took this wunderkind pill at 7PM, it is now 1:30AM and I still feel the effects. It is marvelous, it is dangerous, it is everything I want to be. When you find that in a drug, you are in trouble. I am very worried of becoming addicted. I am also worried that maybe it will take a higher dosage each time I take it to be able to get the same effect. The thing I loved about weed is, you can be as careless as you want with it. Smoke as much as you can possibly afford, you will not overdose, you will just pass out at some point. But with this, my god, my heart could explode, I could have a stroke. I need to be careful what I do and how I use it. I want to use it sparingly, I want to use it as an actual tool, not as a recreational drug. I want it to be something I use to write, and write wonderfully and soulfully. I want to be Josh by being Josh. It’s a horrible feeling to think that I can only be myself under the influence of some drug, legal or otherwise. By the way, this is legal, it was prescribed. But, come on, weed made me creative too. Sure it made me tired, but let’s face it, I’m doing just as little as I did while smoking weed. Weed was not the cause of my malaise and inactivity. If anything, doing this adderall makes me want to do other drugs, specifically hallucinogens. I have some mescaline-containing cacti at home that I would love to take. Mind you, those cacti are, also, legal. The truth is, I’m terribly bored with life, and the only thing I’m looking forward to is being able to live life in a different state of mind. Tomorrow I have class from 2pm-11pm, and the only reason I am looking forward to it is that I will be taking 3 pills of adderall again, before my final class. I only hope that it renders the same effects that it did today. Anyway, back to the cacti. I love taking hallucinogens, I never take it as something fleeting. I take it very seriously, I see it as going into outer space, or under water. I am an explorer, I prepare myself before I take these drugs. I will equip myself with a pen and paper to record my findings. I also equip myself with a watch, which seems like the most amazing scientific instrument ever created. A watch is my link to reality. It is somehow able to calculate time, which is incalculable under the influence of hallucinogens. The watch is my connection to the outside world. Anyway, taking hallucinogens allows me to have insights into life that I could never have while sober. It allows me to exit my ego and become one with the universe, to see me and my life from an objective viewpoint. Therefore, the point of taking hallucinogens, is to enrich my life when not on hallucinogens. I really also take hallucinogens in a feeble attempt to find my dad and communicate with him. I believe that when you are on hallucinogens you are not just imagining things you are seeing. I believe that it alters your brain chemistry in such a way that you are able to see things that you otherwise could not see or communicate with. I could, perhaps, be able to go into another dimension where my father is alive and able to communicate with me.
Anyway, back to my initial conceit. I believe that legal and illegal drugs are just the same fucking thing. Sure, maybe one is safer because it is more regulated and uniform. But, really, you can achieve the same results with either. I know that marijuana helped me with a lot, and perhaps more than anti-depressants ever will.