Aw Sugar

Life is like a box of chocolates, too much of it will rot your teeth. That doesn’t make much sense. Neither does the actual quote. You do know what you’re gonna get with a box of chocolates, it usually lists the contents. In fact it has to, what if there is chocolates with peanuts and someone has a peanut allergy? They would die. You cannot afford to not know what you’re gonna get. Maybe that makes the adage even more appropriate, one of the things you never know what you’re gonna get is death or an extreme allergic reaction, like swelling up and shit.  It’s said so often, it’s trite, but it’s really not: life is short. Like Red said: “get busy living or get busy dying.”  I need to get busy living boy. Boy oh boy do I. I feel like that’s all I ever write about or think about, is the need to start doing something with my life. I mean I am in this sketch comedy group, but I haven’t been producing quality work, if any at all. What I really need to get busy doing is curing myself of this lean creative period I’m in. What a terrible curse, to be creative and then have it yanked from you. I really had my life figured out you know? I was writing tons and tons of stuff. And they were not only in great quantities but they were also really creative, original and funny. I was assured to do great in this field. There was no doubt at all. Not only was I producing it like nothing, but I sincerely enjoyed doing it. That is something I lack now. I don’t enjoy it while I’m doing it. I want it to be something I look forward to doing, like a real hobby that I’d rather be doing than anything else. Instead I absolutely dread it. And if I do ever write, I just try to get it over with as soon as possible, quality be damned. And rewrites? Forget about it, it’s painful for me to look at something I’ve written. These stupid pills I’m on don’t help at all, I’m actually starting to get panic attacks again after years of not having them. At least being bi-polar or manic depressive or whatever the fuck I am, I would have high highs to go with the low lows. Well, I don’t have low lows anymore, but there are no highs at all. I just have a baseline of low, not low low, just low. I’m stuck on low, I want something that kicks me into high. The amphetamine kicks me into high, but shit man, I’m scared of that crap, it can be deadly. I don’t want to fuck up my heart. Everytime I take the shit I have to take more than the last time, you do the math. Where’s that gonna lead? I got 10mg pills, the first time I took it, I took only one, it was the best feeling in the world. I took one again a few days later and absolutely nothing happened. So, increased, and got a result. I tried taking two again the next time, nothing, again. So, now I’m up to taking five at once and guess what? That’s not working either. I’m a little more energetic, but not feeling that euphoric physical and emotional feeling. I don’t want to take six at a time. I read that the highest dose pill is 30mg. I also read somewhere that you can take up to 300-400mg a day. I don’t know though, it’s not worth it, I really should just smoke weed. But weed isn’t even as good, yeah it makes you creative and a pretty nice feeling, but it also gets me paranoid and depressed, not to mention the health risks of smoking. Yeah, weed isn’t worth it. I really just need to get on a better anti-depressant and find a therapist I really connect with. I want to try to go back on Zoloft. That was what I was on in high school and during my productive years. It’s worth a fucking shot. I was on the highest allowable dosage at the time, 200mg I believe. If I tell a doctor I want to be on a certain pill, that should be the end of discussion. This doctor, fuck him, he puts me on this pill that does nothing but make me exhausted, so what does he do? Change my medication to something that won’t make me tired? No. He gives me another medication to make me energetic, motherfucking amphetamine. That’s too much. I didn’t want to be on one fucking pill to begin with. Now I’m on two, and technically three because the anti-depressant is actually an anti-depressant + mood stabilizer in one pill. Fuck that, lets just go back to Zoloft, see what happens.


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