Whoa, I totally forgot about this blog. Which is surprising, considering the last time I wrote in it was apparently less than a year ago. I suppose so much has changed since then, that I do not feel like the same person. Things that weren’t that long ago seem lifetimes ago. It’s also funny how this is not the first time in my life that I have felt like I am a completely different person than I was at a previous point in my life. I guess that is what is great about writing these “journal” things. You can look back and see an authentic chronicle of your life. A time capsule of your mentality at any given time in your history. Which is great for me, I love history in general, so why not my personal history? It is also funny (hilarious) that a theme in my writing seems to always be “oh no, I can’t write anymore, I wish I could write like I once did,” and yet, looking back at the things I wrote (some of which are on that very topic) I am again struck by the thought of “wow, I can’t believe I wrote that, I wish I still had that talent.” What I deduce from this is that it’s all in my head. Obviously, that’s the case regardless, but I mean, maybe the time period I keep referring back to of my “halcyon days of writing,” in which I could write uninhibited and free-flowing and brilliant, maybe I think of it as that, simply because I wasn’t comparing it to anything else. Maybe, back then, in my “golden years,” I simply just was allowing whatever thought came out of my head to be what I went with. I wasn’t second guessing everything I wrote. The reason it came out so effortlessly was simply because I was allowing myself to write whatever flowed out of me. Now I second guess everything and think “well, is that what my true, authentic self would say?” Why am I filtering myself? When I let it flow is when it comes out best. Maybe to write better, I need to simply stop thinking.
That should be my new method of practice of writing. To simply shut my (conscious) brain off and allow whatever comes out of my fingers to simply come out. I can envision it as literally something flowing out of my fingertips onto the screen. I need to stop filtering myself. Let’s just see what my subconscious has in store for me.
Anyway, my life has changed completely since I’ve last written on here. It’s actually too upsetting for me to write about. Although, I know that is not helpful for my future self when I invariably look back on this. All I can say is that I now live in California, Orange County to be exact, ironic, I know. I can’t believe I am here. I’m just allowing myself to be and see what comes my way and what I get myself into. It’s been pretty interesting so far, I’m assuming it will only get even more so. When I think about my life before this part of my life I get incredibly upset. I am a completely different person. This is Josh 2.0, I have totally started a new life. We’ll see if it ends up being for my best interest, it seems so, so far. I will say this, I am taking the idea of me being a comedian/comedy writer more seriously and that is what all my focus has been so far. I am taking that to the next level and doing something about it. I just need to write more, but I am laying the groundwork for allowing myself to seriously be in that industry. That was just a note because I saw I wrote about that a lot while skimming through these old posts. Oh, I’m also happy to announce that I am on no drugs, though there are times I wouldn’t mind being on Adderall again, as I do enjoy the feeling it gives me and I do find myself being very depressed and lethargic. I’d like to have some (undue) confidence, just to get me over the hump. The ends justify the means, right? My insecurities and negativity gets in the way of me being successful often. Like I said, I just need to believe in myself and go with it. Stop second guessing everything. Just do it. Alright, goodnight.